


Road of death and Canada

by DynamiteJohn



Category: Death Road to Canada
Genre: Brain's version of swole, Canada, Car load of weirdos, Death Road, Dog - Freeform, Dog Squad - Freeform, Food as currency, I continued this a year later for mysterious reasons, I converted some of the game's stat reveal mechanic to text, Lazer robot, Memes of course, Other, Swole, Tayna, Tayna keeps everything from exploding kinda, This game is cool yo, Zombie Apocalypse, eugene - Freeform, log, one shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 11:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DynamiteJohn/pseuds/DynamiteJohn
Summary: So I like a game called Death Road to Canada. So I'm thinking about making one-shots of moments I think up. Rated T for extreme swoleness and paranoia.





	1. Some jerks go on a trip

Tayna is what you could call, civilized. She greets others nicely, knows her way around various situations, lives in an apartment, has a job. Basically everything is going well on her end.

Eugene is what you would call... Eugene. He has a job (somehow?) and a fascination for being Swole, and yelling at others to COOL IT.

With these two polar opposites, would love bloom? No. Did you even see the romance tag? Romance would probably be last on Tayna's mind right now, as life has gotten complicated. 

What started out as a bad week was having to share an apartment with Eugene. This quickly got worse as the APOCALYPSE LITERALLY HAPPENED.

You know, zombies?

What ended that bad week is Tayna being stuck in a car. Going to Canada. With Eugene.

No real privacy.

Zombies everywhere.

And the dawning realization that most people who were alive right now were probably muscleheads. Like Eugene.

Oh no.

*Tayna has suffered a permanent morale decrease*


	2. The magic gnome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I update like a snail. If snails had limbs.
> 
> Also Gnomey is extremely OP please nerf.

This was it. They had finally found it.

The house of the gnome.

What had been a weird rumor from a twitchy man evolved into an epic quest- or, as epic as Eugene could make it sound like when he was not yelling at a trader to cool it.

Which happened more frequently than Tayna wishes to acknowledge.

But such details were meaningless upon nearing the mushroom-esque house of such a mythical creature...  
Wait, was that a rat?   
Eugene was torn between disappointment and a growing will to get free food, whilst Tayna was opening the gate to get closer.

Suddenly, a small gnome pops out from the house and starts screaming at them, with words like " I DON'T WANT THE PAPER! I'M NOT BUYING THE MILK EITHER!" Or " GET OFF MY LAWN!" Or " WHY DO YOU NOT SMELL LIKE PICKLES?"

It is entirely possible that some of these phrases were not actually spoken by anyone in this exchange.

Whatever was scream shouted yelled by the gnome, visibly agitated Eugene. But that, dear readers, is why I wrote Tayna as the leader. For she stepped in and reasoned with the gnome, telling him of the DEATH ROAD, which leads to CANADA, Earth's last remaining nation.

With Eugene interjecting about punching zombies, naturally.

 

After some confusion, a marauding duck, and no more than three pieces of pocket lint, the gnome joins the group!

NEW PARTY MEMBER: Gnomey   
Medical: exceptional  
Attitude: exceptional  
Health: frail like a stick

 

 

Less than ten miles down the road, and Gnomey began to exchange TOP TIER LEVEL ADVICE.  
"Dash punch a zombie before it explodes to send it flying!"  
(Wait what this isn't that kinda game)  
"You should spend all your money on hats to unlock the secret H.A.T.S. system"  
(What?!)  
"Fan fiction is a mistake"

 

Tayna managed to weather Gnomey's idiotic ranting!  
Tayna's composure revealed : exceptional  
Gnomey's wits revealed: poor


	3. Dead zombie's bluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Things happen.
> 
> Alternative alternate title: Eugene does a thing.

It was a house, much like the others around it. Mild colors, slightly faded paint, piles of scrap near the entrance, and more zombies than you'd expect inside.

 

Must have plenty of loot!  
That was probably thought of by one of the team.

Let's raid their video games!  
That was possibly whisper shouted by Eugene.

SHHH!  
Came a reply, in as much of a hushed tone one could give that command. Probably  
Cool it!  
Was most definitely retorted by Eugene.

 

And such was the eternal bickering of the two because of the low morale caused by the previous night in the SMELL ZONE, which will NOT be mentioned again in this chapter.

 

Unfortunately, bickering in an apocalypse is never a good thing, especially when you encounter bandits who have set up a trap.

If you define trap by "accidentally being able to threaten a group with an as of yet unagitated group of zombies," that is, and if so, then congratulations, please go to this webzone to collect your prize!

 

Tayna, Eugene, and the bandits politely waited for the bad attempt at comedy to finish before continuing.

 

"Ha-hand over the food!" Whisper screamed the first

"Yeah, or we'll call all the zombies!" Hissed the second, with nods of approval coming from the other four in the group.

 

"And then we'll lock the door!" Uttered the last.

 

"... You'd need to be stuck here with us to do tha-"

"You get the point, we're threatening you, so hand over the food!"

 

Tayna remained calm. They obviously didn't want this to go downhill either, but they wouldn't back down. She would've called the bluff herself, but that was when she looked over to her companion.

 

You could see the anger in Eugene's eyes. The bandits, for the sake of complying with the event, did not.

Which was how the closest bandit got punched in the face so hard it would rival the three star punch of little mac. Because he instantly knocked that one out, and quickly followed that punch up with another. The remaining four bandits picked up their friends, and silently walked out.

 

Eugene's morale has increased!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody enjoying this trash fanfic of a cool game?


	4. The Deletion Dingus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been months. Someone wasn’t happy with the progress that was made. So it had to be stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One year since last I wrote.  
> Maybe spring just puts me in a writing mood. Or maybe because I’ve been playing the death road again. Either way, if you were waiting, here ya go.  
> This is based on the fact that I lost my data after the introduction of zombo points to the game. Just gone. All my characters and stuff. I HAD TO REMAKE TANYA AND EUGENE.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Like three days ago. It was quite atmospheric actually, but he had missed that date so now he had to settle for a slightly cloudy afternoon.

The non-existence entrance was thrown open. For some reason they didn’t have doors there in that strange dimension beyond the lands of Florida. But there stood a man, but not just any man. He was a dingus. Mostly because he was wearing socks with sandals inside a house. Also he was a skeleton.

The intruder stroked his facial hair intently. Everyone of his kind had roughly the same type. Sucks to be a gnome.

“You got the goods?”

His answer was given in the form of a can of baked beans.

“Time to ruin their data?”

“... Indeed.”

It wasn’t just to be cruel. He wanted Zombo points. He had to be able to get the most unlocks, after all. This would merely help the duo get back on track with filling his coffers.  
He stroked his facial hair again.

“I, Unome, shall be KING!”

 

“... Yo dude can I get a fork for these beans? Preferably a bowl too, but just a fork would be nice.”

**Author's Note:**

> A trash fanfic of a pretty decent indie zombie game.


End file.
